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Janitor On Duty

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March 21st, 2014

7:39 AM


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_         _ 20.03.14 ISSUE 682
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* Gobbing off with Sharon Osbourne
* Late night Razorlight
* Charts: Duke Dumont is no 1

        >> Royal flush <<
        A cheeky bit of information

    Clive Goodman, ex-royal editor for
    News of the World and convicted
    phone-hacker, has been in court this
    week giving evidence in the News
    International trial. Here's a royal
    scoop we got without hacking a phone:

    Prince Charles' self-confessed
    preferred direction of bum-wiping
    is... front to back!

Dubious Sympathies Of The Week - from
the Rolling Stones' Facebook fan page:
"Sympathies Mick. Suicide is a terrible
thing. Hang in there."

        >> Up the creek <<
        Racist scrabble on the TV

    It's been a big week for fans
    of the offensive and racially-
    inflammatory slur "jigaboo".
    First Cheryl Cole gets her job
    back on The X Factor; then it
    made a surprise appearance on
    primetime BBC1 - in Friday's
    episode of Jonathan Creek.

    It was one of the words that
    made it on to the Scrabble
    board in the game between
    John Bird and June Whitfield.
    It appeared in quite obvious
    detail too - presumably in
    an attempt to alienate what
    was left of the series'
    dwindling audience.

24 year-old Brit singer, Jess Glynne,
is the first artist to have two number
one singles in 2014 (Rather Be, My Love).

        >> Big Questions <<
        Who wants to know what?

    Which supposedly down-to-earth
    celebrity didn't really enjoy
    the experience of being in an
    NHS hospital to give birth? She
    had to be dissuaded from upping
    sticks and relocating to the
    Portland by her publicist, who
    was keen to reinforce her client's
    plebian credentials.

Skippys Fast Food restaurant in Molde,
Norway, was terrorised by an injured otter
last week. Locals say they are seeing
more otter-related activity all the time.

        >> Gobbing off <<
        Extra special lip service

    Sharon Osbourne was in The Sun
    today saying again she wouldn't
    be a judge on X Factor this year,
    "I cannot go there... I can't..."

    We're pretty sure she means it.
    When the series ended last year
    Sharon was telling anyone who
    would listen that Simon Cowell
    would have to "lick her out for
    three weeks" before she'd even
    consider doing another.

    So it's probably a safe bet
    that she's not going back.

Nom Dem of the week: Southend's leading
breastfeeding counsellor - Tracy Leak.

        >> Funny business <<
        Comedian leaves bad taste

    Canadian comic Russell Peters
    bombed pretty horribly at a GQ
    charity event last week, but that
    wasn't the only headache he caused
    the organisers.

    GQ's people had to plead with fellow
    comedians on the bill not to tweet
    about how Peters was showing people
    pictures of him with groupies
    on his phone. An understandable
    concern, given that the gig was
    a benefit in aid of women left
    vulnerable by human trafficking.

    And that wasn't the only gripe
    backstage. There was much muttering
    about how the charity might have
    ended up with a much bigger cheque
    than the 10 grand they pocketed had
    they not had to shell out for Peters'
    first-class transatlantic flights.

Martin Freeman's wife, Amanda Abbington,
is selling a picture of her dog, Arthur.
For 200 quid. Guess those money problems
are not quite over.

        >> Powerless <<
        Razorlight by candlelight

deep_stoat writes:
    "Johnny Borrell and his band,
    Razorlight, are at it again.

    "The good news - a power cut at
    the rehearsal studio means
    there's no electricity.

    "The bad news - the cunts are
    playing acoustic versions by
    candlelight. By fucking

Someone at Wateraid forget to substitute
the word "Mother's" into their Valentine's
Day email marketing campaign this week.

        >> Frisky business <<
        We all owe Rebekah one

    Rebekah Brooks' time on the stand
    in court is over, and we were
    impressed at the number of big
    cheeses who lined up to personally
    help her through the News of the
    World closing - Blair, Murdoch,
    Mandelson etc...

    It was also nice to see Jeremy
    Clarkson's wife providing a
    character reference. Maybe she
    felt she owed her one. As we
    reported a couple of years back,
    when the News of the World were
    offered pictures of Jeremy and a
    blonde colleague getting frisky
    at a New Zealand hotel, Mrs Brooks
    bought them all up for the paper.
    And then never let them see
    the light of day.

Spotted at a celeb party last weekend
Louise off Made in Chelsea. Not talking
to anyone and eating food she'd brought
herself (carrots, hummus, rice crackers)

        >> Eurovision update <<
        This year's front runner

    Anyone for Yerevan? This year's
    Eurovision entries are now out,
    and Armenia are the early hot
    favourites. It's a classy
    song - complete with huge
    dubstep breakdown.

    Wubs and dubs are very much to
    the fore this year - check out
    Hungary's rather good drum
    and bass, and Lithuania's electro.

Hear them:

FYI: Hungary's Andras Kallay-Saunders
is the son of Fernando Saunders,
Lou Reed's bass player for the
best part of 30 years.

Chess champion Magnus Carlsen has a bit
of a mean streak. He will occasionally go
to online chess sites using a beginner's
account and demolish anyone who plays him.

        >> Hmms <<
        Hip-hop, Photoshop, wolfsong

    If sweary t-shirts are your thing,
    you might like these retro ones:

    Russell Brand is analysing
    the news:

    Oh, wait. Sorry. This is
    Russell Brand analysing
    the news:

    A charity T-shirt signed by Damien
    Hirst and Griff Rhys Jones on ebay?
    Yes please! But what's that extra
    message at the top?

    Best music video of 2014?
    Probably not:

    Wolf of Wall Street chest
    thump track

    When it comes to asking internet
    strangers to help with PhotoShop,
    people just never learn:

    All your tarsier needs
    taken care of:

        >> Stuff about Popbitch <<

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Thanks to: FS, blessed_brian, meow, PJ,
Keggykeegle, AP, abominablehoman, ST,
bad_horsey, deep_stoat, MH, S, SW,
danceswithmustelids, stanleyvandelinder,
NG, CM, DR, anon, monstris, KC

Old Jokes Home:
I popped into Tesco today and
nicked all the baguettes.

It was a French stick up.

Still Bored:
Attacks on America, in film:
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