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Janitor On Duty

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February 24th, 2009

1:04 PM

I have a heinous confession to make

I have been bullying Lori Foster for the last ten years. You may remember how she keeps talking about me being mean, a bully, a vile person, and other stuff whenever she mentions me in every interview and blog stuff that she happens to mention me (ahem), and it's all true.

You see, I have evil psychic powers that extend beyond the boundaries of my website. Yes, even you are not safe. Did you see how gaunt and nervous Lori was at the RT party last year? It wasn't those half-naked Ellora's Cave Neanderthals having wild gay sex in the elevators that she happened to step into, it was me. You see, I use regularly my evil Voodoo spells to send these horrible dreams to poor Lori, where every night she would hear my cackling hag laugh echoing in her head as she sees me killing her puppies, eating her kittens, and beating her goldfish. When I am in a very evil mood, I'd send a dream where poor Lori was trapped in an elevator with Laurie Gold. For six hours!

The other day, I deliberately used my telekinetic powers (Misfits of Science, WOO-HOO!) all the way from my trashcan in Malaysia (or is it Singapore?) to trip her up while she was shopping for groceries. I laughed when she fell flat on her face. I also cause her to sign her autographs as "Julia Quinn", an evil act that gives me at least five hours of hilarity every time I do it. I force her to speak gibberish whenever she has a book reading session. I also make her call up random staff members of AAR every Sunday to weep like a nutcase into the phone until the person at the other end does a call tracking thingy and calls the cops on poor Lori. I think I will use my amazing powers of hypnosis to convince her and her family to move to an Amish commune soon just for kicks.

So, yes, people, fear me, for I am the biggest bully you have ever seen. The next time Lori tries to expose my evil antics, realize that she is speaking the truth. Because, bitches, you ain't seen nothing yet. I'm the InterWebz Marie Laveau, and don't you forget it.

PS: I demand a weekly sacrifice to my name. Virginal hot cabana boys, please. Failing that, Lori Foster's puppies. She has a few that she hides from me. My all-seeing eye doesn't lie...

8 comment(s).

Posted by Mrs G:

Nah, I'd prefer to teach them what they need to know. Men who think they know everything can be a stubborn lot.
February 24th, 2009 @ 4:39 PM

Posted by kerry:

You really wear that devil garb well. You and Jenny Crusie.
February 24th, 2009 @ 11:32 PM

Posted by Teddypig:

I also cause her to sign her autographs as "Julia Quinn"

OK, I really want to learn this ability.
February 24th, 2009 @ 11:40 PM

Posted by Ciar Cullen:

Posts like these remind me that I am definitely not a person in the know. WTF?
February 25th, 2009 @ 1:23 AM

Posted by kirsten saell:

Dude, I just read this post out loud to my older two kids (13 and 14), and they think it's the funniest, coolest thing ever. And they have NO IDEA who you or Lori or Laurie are.

Don't ever, ever change.
February 25th, 2009 @ 5:15 AM

Posted by Gennita Low :

Heh heh. Boy, I feel old for remembering that "revenge" from five or seven years ago, the Mrs. Gaggles mock site. Authors really, really were mad at you then, Mrs. Giggles and I guess they hold their grudges for bad reviews forever! ;) I promise to send you a virgin cabana boy...when I find one.
February 25th, 2009 @ 8:08 AM

Posted by Stacia Kane:

I laughed so hard I almost peed. And I don't really know who Lori Foster is either.
February 25th, 2009 @ 5:56 PM

Posted by Louise van Hine:

so basically, Lori blames you for giving her that inspiration to write the time-travel futuristic plot for her latest novel so that her massive base of fans could turn on her? Wicked.
February 26th, 2009 @ 7:11 AM