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February 14th, 2005

9:08 PM

The Regency Historical Drinking Game

I am not responsible for your drinking habits. You are a grown-up, you should watch out for your own alcohol intake.

The heroine

Insists that she is determined never to marry even if she has never been involved with or even talked to an eligible bachelor before she meets the hero - 1 sip.
Runs the family and scrapes together the funds to support everyone - 1 sip.
But the family is paupered anyway because Absent Minded Daddy's expensive hobbies must be indulged at all costs - 2 sips.
Has somehow remained oblivious to desire or any other puberty-induced mental development - 1 sip.
Insists that she is plain and no man will want her even when she has never mingled with men in her daily going-abouts - 1 sip.

But of course, she's actually very beautiful - 5 sips.
Decides to ruin herself for the latest fad in martyrhood - 2 sips.
Takes part in a deception or a masquerade even if she feels like she will go to hell for lying - 6 sips.
Gives her first name to the hero when she is supposed to be in a disguise - 9 sips.
Wears a boy's costume to run around at night. - 2 sips.
Insists that she can do better than to marry a man she has known all her life but does not love - SHE  WILL RUIN HERSELF WITH SOME RANDOM STRANGER! - 10 sips.
Vows to cherish the memory of that One Sex Thing for the rest of her life, a life which she is determined to keep as loveless and barren as possible - 20 sips.
Treats sex as some scientific experiment. - One mug.
Compromised after that sexual experiment. - 3 sips.
Turns down hero's proposal because she would rather be ruined than to marry a rich man without love - 2 mugs.
Marries him anyway. - 5 sips.
Blames herself from trapping him in a loveless marriage. - 10 sips.
Loveless as in "She loves him but she knows he doesn't love her back." - 1 mug.
When hero says that he loves her, she refuses to believe it because she remembers that she is plain and hence unlovable. - 2 mugs.
And therefore she decides to run away. - 5 mugs.
Because she'd rather die alone than to allow the hero to trap himself in a loveless marriage to her. For his own good. - Keg party!

The hero

Rake - 1 sip.
Ex-spy - 2 sips.
Still a spy - 2 sips.
War hero - 1 sip.
Slutty dead wife - 2 sips.
Sluttier mistress - 1 sip.
Traumatized little kiddies - 2 sips.
Hires heroine to be a nanny - 5 sips.
Has a eye-rolling nickname derived from "Devil", "Nick", "Lucifer", and such - 3 sips.
Belongs to a club of men who are begging for sequels - 4 sips.
The previous two things occur in a Stephanie Laurens book - 8 mugs.
Doesn't believe in love. - 6 sips.
Skanky sex scene with mistress on first page of book - 6 sips.
This skanky sex scene takes place in a Nicole Jordan book. - 16 sips.
Lusts after the heroine, intending to seduce her and then forget her. - 2 sips.
Tries to slake lust with a mistress or a prostitute but can't get it up - 8 sips.
This limp scene takes place in a Connie Mason book - 28 sips.
Runs away into the country to escape marriage-minded mommas - 2 sips.
Actually mistakes the heroine in a boy's costume as a boy. - 4 sips.
Went to America and became a rich, self-made man - 10 sips.
Went to India and learned plenty of sex tricks - 10 sips.
Went to Scotland and became a laird. - 5 sips.
Went to France and got captured by French soldiers - 6 sips.
Suffers from traumatic flashbacks to that War - 2 sips.
The only one who can decode the secret clue in some dirty book of poetry - 7 sips.
Stiff-lipped but decides to pose as a rake in an undercover mission - 5 sips.
This mission involves a sex club - 13 sips.

Plot developments

Villain tells all in the showdown - 4 sips.
Heroine's disguise or secret is exposed after the first sex scene - 7 sips.
The French spy is a British nobleman - 5 sips.
Who is the Other Man - 7 sips
The French spy is some prostitute or mistress - 8 sips.
Who is trying to get her claws into the hero - 10 sips
Hero hires some boy to spy on the heroine - 6 sips.
Hero's valet is an ex-soldier - 4 sips.
Or the valet is an ex-criminal - 3 sips.
The hero saved the valet's life once upon a time - 9 sips.
Heroine rushes into the hero's room at night in the opening scene - 5 sips.
Hero is half-naked - 2 sips.
Hero has just finished shagging some tart - 7 sips.
The heroine asks the hero to spare her brother in some duel - 4 sips.
The brother has no discernable sex life or even a clue even though the hero, at that kid's age, has been seducing women in every country in Europe - 10 sips.
That Damned Missing Brother plot - 5 sips.
That Book That Contains A Clue Only The Hero Can Decipher - 5 sips.,
That Book also contains pornographic images - 10 sips.
The heroine's ex- or late beau is a scumbag - 1 sip.
Who is lousy in bed - 2 sips.
Who yet could still manage to have many affairs with other women to spite our heroine - 8 sips.
The widowed heroine is still a virgin - 3 sips.
The non-virginal widowed heroine doesn't know anything about sex - 4 sips.
You start getting this feeling that the heroine is actually 12 years old - 20 sips.
You wish your 12-year old daughter is as innocent as the heroine - 1 mug.
Whatever the plot, it always comes down to the hero and the heroine driving each other away for the other person's own good - keg party!
11 comment(s).

Posted by Carmen:

Thank You! Between this and the Smart Bitches, Trashy Books blog, I have spent this afternoon in tears! Laughing tears!
September 1st, 2009 @ 5:23 AM

Posted by Sarah:

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! My Best friend is getting married and we are throwing her a surprise bachelorette party and one of her favorite (and mine)things to do is read romance novels!! this will be perfect =)
May 31st, 2007 @ 5:31 AM

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May 25th, 2007 @ 3:45 PM

Posted by Erin:

This had me laughing so hard I started to hack and cough and my boss came in to make sure I was still alive. You might want to add something about "Heroine saves hero from jail/side show in order to marry him" - at least, that's the plot from the last couple books I read.
March 18th, 2007 @ 1:41 AM

Posted by Lorrie:

I have read hundreds of regency romances and love them...but this was so incredibly on the mark and funny. Laughed and wished I had the sweet, sweet wine to drink while I read!
January 15th, 2007 @ 9:57 AM

Posted by NicoleAllee:

Do you get to drink a glass of water if the plot was written by the divine Georgette?
April 19th, 2006 @ 1:05 PM

Posted by Tami:

I laughed. I cried. (I mostly cried, having just finished Connie Brockway's risible "My Pleasure" and realised I could easily get drunk off of it.) Excellent way to kill the pain with Regency Romances - make your drink sweet, sweet alcohol. (Or Drano.)
April 11th, 2005 @ 7:32 PM

Posted by mary margaret:

For the life of me, I can't understand why there are no replies to this! I laughed myself silly (even though I clearly recognized enough of my own plot devices in this article that I should be well and truly in my cups by now).

April 9th, 2005 @ 2:34 PM