I know I haven't updated the Movie Autopsy Guild in months. I really want to but I cannot find the time. Hopefully I can do so one of these days, although with Survivor Palau, The Amazing Race 7, and American Idol 4 all taking place concurrently within the next few weeks, all I can do is hope.

I am watching movies though. I just don't have time to sit down and write the reviews, although I have plenty of notes regarding the movies I've watched and my thoughts about them jotted down in a notebook. In fact, hubby and I went to That Usual Place in Bukit Bintang earlier today and between the two of us, we spent close to RM200 in purchase of pirated DVDs. 

Yes, pirated DVDs. Illegal DVDs.

Yes, we are breaking the law.

But things are not so simple here in Malaysia. I guess we can all go on and on about the evils of piracy but there are just as plenty of reasons for me to buy those pirated DVDs. I'm not saying that I am right in any way or I am even defending myself here, I just want to explain why I am doing so.

One, these DVDs are the only ways I get to watch these movies. Unlike in Singapore, where about five new movies are released in theatres every week, Malaysia is lucky to have two movies released per week. And even so, these movies are the more obvious Hollywood blockbusters of guts, violence, and animated CGIs. When it comes to smaller dramas, there is no way I can watch them unless I either download them off some P2P program or I buy the pirated DVDs that are released a week or two after the release date in the US. For example, the drama Cold Mountain from two years ago has yet to show up in Malaysia. I watched the movie on a pirated DVD because I have no other way of doing so.

Make no mistake, these DVDs are not cheap. Each actually costs more than the price of admittance to the theatre here and sometimes the pirated DVDs are nothing more than a bootleg version recorded on someone's camcorder that he either stole inside to the theatre (as evident by the way a hand keep covering the screen whenever someone tried to move past this person!) or passed to the friendly projectionist who must receive a cut of the profits. The exception to this, though, is at That Usual Place where at the time of writing these dealers are selling the DVDs at a charming price of RM10 for any 3 DVDs of my choice.

Another reason I prefer to watch these pirated DVDs though (apart from the fact that I dislike the environment of a movie theatre ) is the way censorship works in Malaysia. From the time it was implemented nearly a decade ago to today, Malaysia's film classification guide baffles me still.

The movies are categorized into U (suitable for all audience), 18-SX (sexual elements present, 18+ only), 18-SG (violence present, 18+ only), and 18-SG (sexual elements and violence present, 18+ only). Fair enough, right? Here's the joke: all movies are censored of any elements deemed undesirable by a nameless group composed of retired religious teachers and government servants. Therefore, there is no sexual element or violence present in an 18-SG movie because the censors have removed everything sexual or violent! So what is point of making only people aged 18 and above watch some movie graded 18-SG only to have them realize that they still cannot see two people kiss on screen? On one hand, the censors are saying, "Hey, you are over 18 now and you're mature enough to watch a movie with sexual elements in it!" and then they turn around and cut away those sexual scenes anyway. Why are the government wasting taxpayers' money to categorize these films when they cut everything? Let everyone watch those movies then!

But even then, everyone may not be happy because the censors work in bizarre ways. Sometimes they ban a movie, like Underworld and Daredevil, saying that these movies contain "deviant, objectionable elements" while at the same time allowing movies like ConstantineEnd Of Days through. There is no consistency that I suspect the unlucky movies that are banned just happen to cross the path of a particularly disgruntled ex-postman who is angry that his wife has confiscated his daily liquor pocket money.

Censorship is sloppy. Say, when Samuel L Jackson yells on the screen, "I'm gonna kill you, motherf**ker!", it is very common to have the censors do the cutting so that the audience will hear Sam Jackson say instead, "I'm gonna kill (censored) motherf**ker!" It will be hilarious if it doesn't result in an incoherent movie that is a pain to watch. Even better, sometimes when they do censor at the correct spot and Sam Jackson now just wants to kill these censors' mothers, the subtitles will happily tell the audience that Sam Jackson is going to kill some motherf**kers. What can I say? The people manning the censorship board are a bunch of hilarious jokers.

Instead of taking a chance on paying for a movie only to get another Edward Scissorhands disaster on the screen, I'd rather watch the DVD which is produced from a master copy of the original version as shown in the USA or France.

On a more petty note, cost is also a factor. Let's face it, will you pay RM30 for an original DVD when you can buy three pirated DVDs of only slightly more inferior quality? Especially when these pirated DVDs come out just when you have seen the rave reviews of the movie on the US media and say, "Oh, I can't wait to watch that one!"? My hands move on their own accord when I see that pirated DVD of The Million Dollar Baby or Kinsey winking at me in their shiny cheap plastic cover at That Usual Place. Hubby's hands go straight for Constantine and Elektra. We don't have time to consider that poor Keanu Reeves will be losing a few dollars for lunch. If Nicole Kidman will have to forgo that sandwich for lunch because we don't send our dollars her way, well, tough. She'll probably be happy to lose some extra pounds anyway. We see, we want, we take.

Do I support the government's national campaign to drive piracy to the ground? Well, I'm supposed to, I guess, but until the movie scene in Malaysia improves, I'd rather not as that would be like hacking off a few feet of my colon just to fit into a dress three sizes smaller than usual.  Maybe you can argue (rightfully) that I don't have the right to watch these movies on pirated DVDs if I'm not supposed to have them in the first place (the "you don't deserve a Mercedes if you can't afford it" argument). But if I am going to hell because I gave money to pirates of the South China Sea, I think I'd rather say that I watched a few good movies to get there.

It does soothe my conscience though that the national campaign is all lip service anyway, like every other campaign by the financially-driven (if you get my drift) government and law-enforcement agencies. How else do I explain that That Usual Place doesn't even get raided by police even once when it is located within driving distance from the Prime Minister's office? I know, maybe the esteemed PM himself sends his PA to get him some, who knows, eh? If you happen to visit Kuantan, Pahang, where I lived for two months before coming to my senses, good luck in trying to find an original CD. I spent two days trying to locate an original copy of Maroon 5's Songs About Jane and before I managed to find one because every store is selling pirated CDs and DVDs. But while I was happily perusing pirated copies of movies at one of the dozens of stores openly selling them, the Inspector General was on the front page of the papers telling me that Malaysia had succeeded in driving these pirates out of business. That man must be related to Saddam's Information Minister, I suspect.

At the end of the day, we can argue about morality, legality, and civic obligation until the cows come home but the fact remains. I buy those pirated DVDs because they are there on sale and I am a weak person to succumb to my craving to see that Mark Ruffalo movie that I know will never, ever reach Malaysia in the first place. I'm not proud of what I do but I can't do the right thing if the right thing here means that I must deprive myself while everyone around me happily help himself or herself to those DVDs. I'm never cut out to be a martyr anyway!

The latest single to be released from third American Idol winner Fantasia's debut album Free Yourself is Baby Mama. It's a great song. Now I understand that there are weirdos out there in the US raising a fuss about the song because they think it promotes single-motherhood and having children out of wedlock.

Maybe I've just been living a particularly sheltered life but I cannot imagine any teenaged girl listening to this song and then thinking in her head, "Golly gee! I'm love Fantasia so much, I'm gonna get my boyfriend to impregnate me and make me a baby momma today!" Does anyone actually want to be a teenaged, single mother today?

Besides, I don't know why these self-appointed guardians of morality don't channel their energies to something that will actually result in some good. If they care so much about single mothers, why don't they go about raising awareness about safe sex and contraceptives in schools? There are so many things in this world that could use some moral outrage, like hate crimes, racism, sexual discrimination. In fact, I think all those portrayal of thuggery in those music videos of MTV, complete with scantily clad women portrayed as nothing more than sex objects, have plenty of objectionable material for these people to get worked up over. But what do they do instead? Start making noise about a song that tells single mothers to be strong and hold on because they are not pariahs of society but women worthy of respect. Talk about screwed-up priorities really. This is why I don't care for all these FCC-wannabe groups anyway. They bark often but they never actually do anything useful for anybody.

Anyway, here are the words to the song. I really don't think there is anything in this song that promotes single motherhood as the way to be, except maybe for the line "... it's like a badge of honor". In fact, if anything, this song merely salutes the single mothers who are breaking their backs to make ends meet and make sure that their kids are raised right.

Chorus:
B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A
This goes out to all my baby mamas
This goes out to all my baby mamas
B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A
This goes out to all my baby mamas
I got love for all my baby mamas

It's about time we had our own song
Don't know what took so long
Cuz nowadays it's like a badge of honor
To be a baby mama
I see ya payin' ya bills
I see ya workin' ya job
I see ya goin' to school
And girl I know it's hard
And even though ya fed up
With makin' beds up
Girl, keep ya head up
All my

Chorus

I see you get that support check in the mail
Ya open it and your like "What the hell"
You say "This ain't even half of daycare"
Sayin to yourself "This shit ain't fair"
And all my girls who don't get no help
Who gotta do everything by yourself
Remember: What don't kill you can you stronger
My baby mama

Chorus

Cuz we the backbone (of the hood)
I always knew that (that we could)
We can go anywhere, we can do anything
I know we can make it if we dream
And I think it should be a holiday
For single mothers tryin' to make a way
But until then
Here is your song
Show love to my

Chorus

Recently, the author currently known as Jessica Hall in the romance genre posted a blog entry stating her stance on reviews. One of the perks of being known as a cantankerous mean old biddy is that whenever someone starts saying things like this, people assume that I am either the cause of such outburst or I would have something to say in response to that outburst. Whenever someone asks me a few years ago about what my response is to such stance against reviewers,  I probably had plenty to say. After reading through that blog entry, I figure "Tell her to stick her head up an exhaust pipe" will be an answer as mature as her outburst which pretty much says that all reviewers are going to hell because they hate her books.

Now, however, I'll just shrug and chalk that off as another case of online drama that I am starting to get so, so tired of. Maybe it's just my age, the culmination of years of having to deal with people online, or maybe it's the fact that I had to be insane to accept a job recently that had me working at a morgue from nine in the morning to seven in the evening, but I don't have the energy or patience to care anymore. It's all the same anyway. There will always be authors who don't like reviews, reviewers who don't like being made to feel that they are just vandetta-stricken poison penners, and readers who will take sides and add to the drama. I've encountered so many crazy authors that sometimes I'm surprised that I can even give keeper grades to some of the books. How do I manage to dissociate their books from their crazy antics, anyway?

But the romance community is far from the reason of my online fatigue where communication with other people is concerned. I haven't been active in the romance community for a long time now, mostly because I don't feel that I have the influence, authority, linguistic abilities, or eloquence of people like Laurie Gold. No, what brings on the fatique is the detoriation of the general quality of the reality TV fan scene.

Reality TV fans. Oh yes, some people are snickering. I will be upfront now and confess - I am a reality TV junkie where a few shows are concerned. I enjoy watching Survivor and The Amazing Race while American Idol is a guilty pleasure that simultaneously exasperates and fascinates me. I recap these shows on the TV section of my website, Idiot Box Chatter. I also watch The Apprentice although I have no time to recap that show. I draw the line at any reality TV show that involves "love" or "relationship tests" because I am too cynical not to watch those shows without putting my foot through the TV screen ten minutes into an episode.

As a fan of the abovementioned shows, I lurk - but don't participate - in various forum-based sites where fans get together and discuss these shows and the antics of the participants on these shows. But recently things have taken a turn for the worst as far as I'm concerned.

It all started with the introduction of that overrated, obnoxious egomaniac Rupert Boneham on Survivor Pearl Islands. He attracts some of the stupidest fans I've ever seen like dung drawing out flies. I'm talking about fans that worship him to the point that they start swamping the discussion boards with incessant ramblings about how Rupert is the most worthy Survivor because he is "honest" and "worked the hardest". I've tried to explain why Rupert is far from honest and he is just an emperor with no clothes in my recaps of that Season. Normally, these fans would vanish after a season but Rupert hung around for All-Stars Survivor and by the end of the double-Rupert madness, the damage was done. These fans would not go away. These idiotic, idiotic fans who start the trend of stirring up dissent and hatred for any Survivor who lied, cheated, or backstabbed (in short, who are good players on Survivor) are here to stay and discussion on Survivor soon changes from who is the most cunning to insipid ramblings like who is the most honest and therefore the most "worthy" of winning.

After Rupert comes Clay Aiken on American Idol. Kelly Clarkson fans can be crazy enough in that they always swamp discussions of Ruben Studdard and Fantasia with stupid flames and other nonsense designed to stir up fan wars in meaningless board-wanking competitions on which Idol is the best. But Clay fans? Words cannot describe the complete lunacy of some of these Claymates. Sure, I find their prayforclay.com thing rather weird but as long as they keep to their turf, I'm happy to stay out of their way. But take a look at the boards. Claymates and Kellybeans are the biggest culprits in stirring up flame wars between them and various factions of fans. What is the point of these fan wars? I try to understand that these people are either teenagers or people who have not outgrown their teenybopper days but it is hard to be understanding when these morons infiltrate every discussion about Ruben, Fantasia, or anything really, and turn these threads into either yet another thread about why Kelly or Clay is better than everyone. We are now into the fourth season of the show at the time of writing but fan wars all the way from the first season are still going strong. It is ridiculous and nearly all those boards are practically unreadable.

Then there are the The Amazing Race fans. Now, if American Idol fans can be generalized as territorial little mongrels biting at each other's tails, The Amazing Race fans are self-appointed arbiters of the values of the Racers as human beings. Take a look at those boards where this particular species of fans proliferate. There is hardly any more discussion about Team strategy. Instead, fans come up with pages and pages of repetitious, mind-numbing, mind-boggling amateur psychology tracts about why they think so-and-so are worthless human beings or angels who can walk on water. Everyone claims to have a book on some personality disorder or worked with people with such-and-such disorder ("narcissistic disorder" is a popular disorder to drop among such discussions) so everyone comes up with amazing theories about the Racers that they extrapolate from a few minutes of footage on a TV show.

For example, in the sixth season, Gus took too much delight in drinking some beer in Germany. This leads to a ridiculous uproar among fans who just knew that Gus was an alcoholic because they had read a book about alcoholism and could somehow see the SOS in that scene so they would implore Gus (whom they know, via the same ESP skills they had that allowed them to detect Gus' alcoholism) to go into rehab. But no one got demonized worse than Kendra Bentley, one half of the winning team. Now, Kendra deserved some flak for her tasteless comments about the poverty-stricken Africans but it is bizarre, really, the insane hatred from her that erupted like a volcano among the community. The term "racist" and "KKK" were bandied around until I wondered whether these people even understand what these terms mean. Even better, some people started saying that it was Kendra who said that Africans were happy to escape their country (actually, Rebecca said that). Kendra hate was such that these fans even began distorted the truth. For example, they said that Kendra was whiny, useless, and slow. Kendra was one of the most proactive female partners in coed teams in the history of the race. They said that Kendra hated all the countries she went to when she clearly stated on the show that she loved some of the countries she visited such as China. Even her partner Freddy wasn't spared. He had a temper outburst that he later admitted was petty and he regretted it minutes after it happened on the same show but until now, there are so many people willing to brand him as a brute with bad temper. Things became so out-of-control that every action of this Team was overanalyzed and blown up into ridiculous proportions. Freddy used phrases like "in a timely manner" on the show - that means he was an elitist racist snob because he spoke like a British colonial! These fans knew that because they had read a book about such complex!

On the other hand, the other team Kris and Jon are so ridiculously canonized that I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Do you know that I have emails from weirdos accusing me of being a Nazi symphatizer because I took a few snarky shots at Kris and Jon in my recaps? The problem is, with so many fans of the show acting like the show is a mirror of human civilization and we will all go to hell when someone cusses at a cab driver, Kris and Jon, admittedly nice if boring people on the show, become the magnet for these weirdos' overblown sense of importance. If you don't like these two, you must be an immoral human being. But when I read endless posts about how their fans started wearing the same clothes as Kris on the show because they respected her so much, or how they wanted to bring their families to Jon's bar so that they could all tell him what a wonderful human being he is, I'm starting to feel relieved that I don't have such an overwhelmingly creepy fascination with someone I only see on the TV screen.

My point is, there are very few places online where I can find sane people anymore. Forumites on Survivor Sucks and televisionwithoutpity.com are coming off more and more like stalkers with no grip on reality and no sense of perspective. Fametracker is a hangout for cliquey people who rip apart thin and beautiful women using the same posts reworded six thousand times to give a fifty-paged thread while going stalkerish over their favorite male celebrities. What happened to watching a TV show for the fun of it? Or making fun of the show and then letting go once the show ends? Nowadays everyone is just screaming and raving, taking the shows so personally that whenever someone on The Amazing Race cracks a joke, there are sixty thousand posts dissecting whether this joke is racist, appropriate, or funny with everyone having a word in about what mental affliction this joker must be suffering because they have read a book about the affliction. I want to scream at these people, GET A LIFE. Or LIGHTEN UP. For heaven's sake, it's just a TV show, not the rise and fall of human civilization! So what if Rupert didn't win Survivor? These crazy fans actually sent him envelopes of money after Pearl Islands ended because they felt that he needed compensation for losing on that show! And of course, Mark Burnett gave him a million dollars anyway at the end of All-Stars, another season where Rupert repeated his same egomaniac schtick and lost.

I really try to stay away from message boards and online communities in general because I'm overdosed and rendered numb by the ridiculous melodrama taking place across the fanboards. Sure, I will miss being in the loop when it comes to rumors and gossips but I believe the peace and quiet will be worth the loss. But of course, knowing me I'd probably go back and lurk at those threads discussing media reports, gossips, and scandals because I'm a sucker for punishment that way. This is why I am writing this down here, to release some steam because I steel my breath and open up Survivor Sucks on my browser. Sometimes it really takes a lot of willpower to be a reality TV fan!